Life Begins at 30

Life always has a funny way of poking at you, breaking your heart and making you laugh at the same time. It is a complete irony – you’re born and in the end, you die… but in between, you make a lot of mistakes and spend your whole life trying to make up for that. We shouldn’t but somehow, human nature kind of puts us in a situation where we always do.

Sometimes the smallest things in life can change something forever. There will be times when you wish you can go back to how things used to be but you just can’t, because things have changed so much. But never regret. Because these things, they happen to show you a reality… it could be to teach you a lesson, to make you feel things, to reconcile your emotions, to push you to do better, or worse, to keep you grounded, to open your eyes to new opportunities, or to awaken some hidden part of you you never knew existed.

Life teaches you to fall, and get up when you do. But it never teaches you to pass judgment on anyone because you hardly know or understand what other people’s journey has been or will be like.

As Lauren puts it: “This is my chance to make it all happen, in the one city, where they say dreams come true.”

Will Switzerland hold the same promise for me?  I know I’m not Lauren and Switzerland is a far cry from West Hollywood,  but I really wish I could say exactly the same thing about this new adventure.

A lot of realizations came to me since moving here temporarily.  Day by day, I get to reconnect with myself, as if I never knew me before coming here.  I discover a lot of things about me and re-discovering a part of me that got somehow lost in my 1.5 years of spoiled existence in the Netherlands. 

A good friend once told me, never rely on other people for your happiness… and I completely agree with him.  Since I moved here, I have become so independent and happy regardless of where I am, who I’m with or what I’m doing.  True enough, I have regained that peace of mind through my newfound hobby – walking and running.  Switzerland opened the doors for me into this new lifestyle. For one, the weather and the clean and safe neighborhood made me comfortable to go out there and conquer the slopes with my two feet.

Today is my benchmark for tomorrow.  I ran 8.08 kilometers in 1 hr and 20 mins, taking stops in between for pictures. Here is my route:

Tomorrow will be another route, another time to reflect and think of where I’m heading next.

I fell in love with this song the first time I heard it. A friend of mine asked me to make this the background music for her debut AVP. I can’t believe that now, after so many years, this is still a personal favorite… and one that I can relate to at this point in my life.

I won’t be that girl
Because I am not your girl
Don’t you worry hon
I will be right here

Lose your way
Complete my misery
I won’t stand in the middle
For now, I will set you free

Because I won’t push
Neither will I pull away
I will stay right here
Until you find your way
back into me

There will always be
A time when we both agree
It can’t be today
tomorrow, maybe another day

We both have our lives
A promise, a destiny
I wonder what it will be
Somehow, somewhere
We’ll find our way back
where we should be

TBC.

Jollibee Chicken Joy.

Atlas – Terence’s younger twin

Soms

Gerry’s Sisig

DR Drill

Boracay Weekend Getaways

Royce Nama Chocolates

Conti’s

Zong

SG and MY trips

Cookie Monster

Dampa sa Macapagal

Suriya Intercon

Elbow Room

Beers Paradise

Fishball at Kwek kwek sa Ayala Ave.

Brunch at Salcedo

DPX Spam Party

FroYo at Boni High

Movies at Rockwell

Circles

Brooklyn Pizza in Paranaque (the original – Hi George!)

Birthdays at Sofitel

Caleruega

Fridays

Manicure/Pedicure

5K Runs in Boni Heights

Chicken BBQ ni Daddy Ken

Rockwell coffee nights (UCC!!!)

Haircut at Propaganda

Shoots at daddy Ken’s studio

Yahoo BBQ!!!

Hair Treatments at Kerastase

Ambers Palabok and pichi pichi

Cooking ni Lola Dix

Santi’s

Teriyaki Boy

Starbucks Coffee Talks

Pancake House Magallanes

Aaaaaaah…. I can go on and on…. but i’ll stop here before i lose my wits.

Because

if there is one thing

that I’m totally missing right now…

it’s YOU.

I could curse you all I want… say all the bad things I could say… I wish I could blame you for screwing up my life, in looking for that one great love like we had. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t hate you because in all these years, nothing ever lived up to what we shared together.  In all honesty, you are the worst paradox I have ever had in my life… I have never felt more blessed and cursed at the same time.  Blessed because you showed me love like no other, and cursed because nothing could even come close to the kind of love I felt when I was around you… and honestly, I am missing it. Every minute. Every airtime. Every single moment.

I wasted all my life, screwed up all my relationships, lost every good friend because you taught me LOVE in a way that’s totally different from every freakin’ experience I had.  But I cannot hate you.  I have no bones made for that feeling.

But I do hope you’ll hear me out when I say this:  FUCK YOU for making me believe life is easy and and another FUCK YOU for loving me that way.

It’s funny how fate actually drew us apart for so long and suddenly played cupid a decade down the line,  as if trying to make amends for the big joke it pulled on us back then.  I wish I could agree with you that the universe is conniving to make way for second chances, but do you really want to taint the pureness and innocence of what we once had?

I could make up all the reasons in the world to fight for you, but I digress. It is enough for me to know that at one point in time, I had you as my one great love.

If you can teach your heart to fall in love, can you also teach it to fall out of love?

Somebody asked me this question lately, someone very special.  I never really understood the question, in fact I dismissed it as another cheesy line to win me over.  Of course it didn’t and couldn’t, because even if there is a small part of me wishing to go a few steps back from where I am, I was very sure that it wouldn’t have made me happy… I tried to meet halfway to figure things out, went even a little further just to see if its worth everything we have to give up in the long run, but I figured that I am not prepared to meet halfway forever.  I know I deserve something better, something less complicated, something simple and happy.  True,  I can say “no” simply because it is easier than having to explain, but I can’t deny that very tiny part at the back of my heart, still beating, still wishing things were any different. That’s when I realized that this statement held some truth to me as well.  I have a lot of excess baggage, I know that. I had to figure out a way to let it go.

In a separate note, the statement above opened another truth in my story.  Some people say ignorance is bliss, but it’s also true that we can never keep a 50mm view of things all the time.  There are some things that move and no matter how much we try to ignore them, they just crawl back into view time by time. This is what I learned after a debate with a good friend about the same question above.  It knocked me down real hard this time because the one thing that I had been ignoring for so long is suddenly right infront of me. Do I look straight or just turn my head the other way?  I know I can never go on like this forever, but I also don’t want to entertain the idea because there are things that are better left unsaid.

I am blessed to have a friendship built on communication and trust.  Maybe in some ways we have some issues here and there, but in more ways than one, we always find a common ground where we both agree in one thing.  Yes, we do have a lot of differences in point of view and we see things differently all the time, but somehow, our conversations always end with a happy thought.

This past couple of nights was one of those times when I could really use a shrink and I’m glad I had one person to share that honest and mature conversation with. Thank you so much for hearing me out, challenging my opinions, pushing me hard, as I peel off some layers and share a part of my journey with you.  I appreciate how you can think clearly in black and white when all I see is gray, how you can make things sound so simple when I don’t even know where to begin,  how you always try to make me smile and cheer me on even when you know I am stubborn to no end.  I am grateful beyond words and I can only wish I had more than my heart and my love to return that kind gesture.  Good friends are hard to find, but I guess I found the diamond when I met you.

In the same fashion, I am glad  to have found the perfect opportunity to pay the kindness forward.  Just when I was about to hit the sack, I got into a small conversation with another friend who was gladly sharing his challenges with the new-found relationship… Taking this as my cue to be able to spread some wisdom, I shared a thing or two I learned about trust, about communication, about relationships and how one must not lose him/herself in the process.  It’s funny how, while I was saying these,  my words were surprisingly hitting me like a hurricane running 300 kph. 

Paying it forward never felt this good. In knowing that I have been there for someone, yet unraveling another part of me I never knew existed…the experience is  just priceless.

A quick trip down memory lane leads me into some of my most favorite trips during last quarter of 2009. Starting off with…. **drumroll** Switzerland.

Paragliding Trip in Grindenwald

I did chicken out…bok bok bok bok!!! but I came back another time but the weather did not cooperate… so we decided to just go up the mountains for some sightseeing before partying all night long.

Mount Pilatus on a Semi-Sunny day

As a birthday treat to myself, I decided to go for a drive to Paris… I dunno for what reasons people go, but I did simply to take pictures.  I used to wonder why people would always take pictures of the Eiffel Tower and find it rather romantic despite its very massive masculine exterior, but when I saw it at night, my jaw literally dropped… as if all my doubts instantly disappeared.  I was just mesmerized by its beauty… it’s like a giant wand that really made my heart skip a beat. I was in awe at its beauty, I was left without words.  So enjoy my short 18 hr stint in Paris… perhaps I will be back again soon.

Eiffel Tower at Night

It is a pity that I didn’t manage to capture so much of the fall colors in my trips but I had a really great time exploring European cities this year.  But I created a whole lot of memories… new friendships formed… and great experiences, unfolding one after another.  What better way to end the year than with a big thank you to the people who made all that possible.  Snaps from the company’s annual dinner – a toast to a great year, even better years ahead… and of course, beautiful people! (don’t forget to click on the photo below to see the full album)

Cheers to beautiful people in black!

As the commotion seems to die down… it is time for the holidays. Spent my holidays reuniting with family and friends in the US. One heck of an experience… truly unforgettable!!!

First Stop: Los Angeles, California

A day in Universal Studios with Ejong

Next Stop: San Diego with Jeof and Mie

Shamu Day in SeaWorld

Next Stop: Everywhere in LA… Hollywood Blvd, Rodeo Drive, Chinatown, City of Angels Church, Disney Concert Hall, Santa Monica, Santa Barbara…

Me and Nathan with Bumblebee!

Oh… a trip to LA won’t be complete with out a quick Vegas weekend!!!

Las Vegas, baby!

Of course, who would miss Hoover Dam…

I so heart Hoover Dam!

Post Christmas,  I flew to the midwest to spend the New Year with the sisters!

Exploring the midwest with the sisters!

Good bye 2009!!! Kickstarting 2010 in Chicago to reunite with my gorgeous friends!!!

The EAI girls conquer the Windy City

And finally the last leg of the trip came… reuniting with Reycia and Donna, Mitch and Ejong in NYC!!!

NYC at Night

I am taking a break from my 2009 review for this blog post. Just because I had to share it.

Back in the Philippines, I have never celebrated St. Patrick’s Day like the Irish or Europeans do, until I came here to Holland a year ago.  In fact, I know little about St. Patrick, that I had to look it up on the internet to understand why people seem to associate it with an excessive amount of booze.

I learned that St. Patrick’s Day was originally a Catholical holiday, that later on became one of the bank holidays in Ireland.  Most people celebrate it by wearing green.  The tradition has changed over time, and not only is St. Patrick’s day celebrated in England, but it has also reached as far as New Zealand, Canada and United States, and of course in the neighboring European countries.  Each has it’s own way of celebrating the green day, but rumor has it that St. Patrick’s Day is statistically the busiest time for pubs and bars alike, almost sucking their liquor cabinets dry! Last year, I went with a few friends to one of our favored local Irish Pubs here to grab a drink or two.

However, this year was different.  I was supposed to attend my 8PM yoga class, but I was running late so I decided to stay and chat a little bit with my friend who I came to visit. The little chat became dinner…then after dinner…  then not realizing it, we were talking until 1AM leaving 3 bottles of wine empty!

Time flies fast when you are caught up with an interesting conversation.  It was a very intimate one,  something that I can and will never disclose.  Suffice it to say that I am glad to have been part of her healing… and she in mine.  It was painful, but somehow, when I stepped out of her door, I felt relieved.  Not because she had problems and I had solutions (because I didn’t, except to finish the wine!), but because I knew that when I left, she was able to breathe… and that she would be ok the next day.

Of course, it would be crazy to wish emotional distress upon anyone.  I would never do that, but looking at the overall picture,  it is not easy to miss the fact that even though life can get so fucked up sometimes, there is always a ray of sunshine waiting to brighten up the days to come.  And it felt good… not because she was emotionally shaken, but because I was there at the right time, when she needed a good cry…  It felt good knowing that even though I couldn’t change the situation,  I was there to listen and to keep her strong and grounded.  Indeed, tears are natural antiseptics for healing our emotional wounds because they help to wash away the pain, but friends… they are the splinters that keep us steady and grounded when the going gets tough.  I am glad to have been that friend last night.